Anxiety. I struggle
with anxiety. Real, intense stress that wells up inside of me. Anxiety that I
don’t know where to park. Anxiety that I am uncertain of the root. Anxiety that
was lullabied into submission for years with prescribed medication to help. The
same medication I quit taking nine months ago because not only was it numbing
my anxiety but it seemed to overflow into many other areas of my life. I had
grown numb.
So, next I tried keep it at bay with exercise. Lots and lots
of exercise, and food, and wine trying to stuff
a cork into this pressurized space that anxiety occupies in me. However,
each time I try to fill the black
hole anxiety creates in me with anything other than surrender – the void
remains.
I am learning to sit with anxiety. To feel it.
To be uncomfortable in it and not want to swallow, chew, or sip something
to make it go away. Unfortunately, Galatians does not describe the Fruit of the
Spirit that can be found in the pantry. Ben and Jerrys and red wine did not
make the cut. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. (Galatians 5:22)
I know that some may want to question the depth of my faith if
I say I believe what I do but struggle in this way. The truth is, I understand
why someone could come to this conclusion. I would say, I know God’s not
finished with me yet.
Anxiety swells up when
I begin to rely on myself and my abilities. Surrender to my Savior and remembrance
that I am nothing apart from Christ, brings me peace. He brings clarity to my
mind and helps me know that the enemy is not ambushing me. The devil is like a
roaring lion. In these moments when anxiety begins to shake my core, I’m
learning to stop and ask “What is the enemy trying to distract me from?”
Usually it is the truth of the great work that GOD is doing and has nothing to
do with what I am capable of doing.
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the
desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and
the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other,
so that you are not to do whatever you want.” What I am realizing is that
maybe, feeling the realness of anxiety IS in fact walking in faith. Realizing the brokenness of my flesh and not trying to run from it, numb it, or fill
it with something has left me in a place of total reliance on the Prince of
Peace.
I know that most
people who have it together don’t discuss their mental shortcomings but maybe
that is why so many of us have anxiety. Maybe it is because we feel like we are
the only one who doesn’t have it all together. Maybe it is because no one wants
to talk about anything but success. However, sometimes to measure success, we
must look at the failures. At the shortcomings. At the brokenness. At the
flesh. Maybe we have to see those things first to be able to look at the
growth, to see the change, and recognize
the GLORY of the great work of God. So,
tonight I share with you something that is somewhat uncomfortable to talk
about. But, maybe if I’m brave enough to share more than a Pinterest moment,
through an Instagram Filter with a
Facebook like, maybe then I am able to humble myself enough to show who I am
without Christ so others can SEE who Christ is in me.
He brings me peace in the midst of my storm. He brings me surrender
when I want to fight. He restores when I try to fix. He gently waits when I
run.
Recently, I listened to a sermon by Steven Furtick of
Eleveation church that I think I’ve listened to 10 times now. I listen to it a
lot because he is speaking of something I know well. Pride. He points out in
his sermon the word anxiety. anxiety.
Look at the word. Maybe the root of all my anxiety is me. I. I wonder if I were
able to truly surrender the “I”
anxiety
pride
Steven goes on to say “maybe anxiety is the fruit and the
pride is the root. Maybe you’ve been trying to cast your anxiety and keep your
pride. Maybe you need to know that pride and anxiety come in the same package.”
“Humble yourself, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that
He may lift you up in due time. Cast all
your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
But you know, this lion in my life called anxiety, it is
losing its grip. Does it still swell up, distract me and even succeed in giving
me horrible tension headaches at times? Yes. But do you know that over time,
the headaches are not as often, the grip is not as intense? Even the fact that
I can sit with it and feel it and not run to find something to numb it is a huge
victory. The fact that I want to share this with you doesn’t terrify me or
bring me anxiety. I feel freedom in sharing with you this piece of my
brokenness that God continues to restore and renew.
Furtick says, “The enemies that we fear today, will be your
testimony of triumph in your tomorrow.” Where my anxiety multiplies is hidden in
the darkness, where my pride of appearances doesn’t want anyone to know.
Freedom continues to be found in the dawning of each new day, in His mercies,
in sweet surrender to Him and His power that is at work within me.
“Resist him(the devil), standing firm in the faith, because
you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the
same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his
eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore
you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and
ever.” (1 Peter 9-10).
I share this to let you know I don’t have it all together.
I always joke, in truth, about the hot mess I am. But you know what, I mean it.
Most days I feel like the conductor of the Hot Mess Express and Jesus loves me
anyway.
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