Five

In 1988 I wrote my first book. It was entitled "My ME Book". My Kindergarten teacher recorded my responses. It was the first and last book I published.  Well, at least the last elementary school book that I could dig up. I've published several articles in magazines and many, many blog posts since but somewhere along the way I lost the confidence I had in myself as a 5 year old. At 5 my answers were given with the assurance that comes from a pure heart and an untouched spirit.

Over the years, I've become a little more uncertain and a little too concerned with the voices outside of my own soul rather than listening to the gentle whispers inside. Call it a midlife crisis or an awakening but as the hour glass grows ever closer to 35, the confidence of that 5 year old has started to float to the surface. The precious, big cheeked, bright eyed, certain of who she is girl seems to have returned. Years of turning to the world to affirm, praise and say "you're ok" suddenly seems to be washing out with the tide and being renewed with fresh soil and fertile ground. Ground that is ready to grow seeds to fields never imagined and dreams to sow that were once out of reach.

The thing is -  at 5 I knew the worst thing I ever ate was...peas and baby food. That is still true today.

At five, I got really upset when my brother teased me. The thing is one of my biggest upsets in life is the hurt I feel for the addiction my brother deals with and the effect it has had my family and for many years my self confidence. As an adult I would have to say that I get really upset that I can't "fix" it. But, I have to remind myself that I wasn't called to fix anyone. Not even myself. I was called to lay down my life and to receive the grace that God so feely extended to me in the midst of all of my sin.
God also calls me to extend the same grace He has given to me. I'm working on that.

I'm shy when it comes to...at 5 I said, "going to funerals". My great uncle  died when I  was five and I remember trying to understand death, dying and heaven at such an early age. I could not.


                          

After school I would like to eat lunch and watch TV. Well, that still doesn't happen these days.

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I feel good about myself when I share. Thirty years later and that is still true.

My favorite story at 5.... 

 

Tomorrow is my youngest's 5th birthday. If I accomplish nothing else, I hope he feels good when he shares and loves the the story of when Christ died on the cross.

Happy Birthday Zach. The one who made our family complete. The one who made me see myself outside of a mirror. The one who made me remember who I was when I was five. Kind and shy and fiercely in love with Jesus Christ. The one who adores Mommy, Daddy, Noah and all things with sugar much like myself.

             

 The one who came a little early into this world and made a statement. The one who makes my heart sing and reminds me that you can be gentle, meek and fierce all at the same time! You are my precious son. I am so honored to be your mom. Here's to many more paintings, snuggles, hugs and tender moments that mean more than a picture can capture. You, my son, are going to change this world in your own gentle way. Manners matter Zach and your sweet manners bring me to my knees. Thank you for holding the door, saying yes ma'am and always asking me "What would  you like, Mama"?  You are my reflection beyond the glass and I am so thankful for you. You created a beautiful new meaning to Friday the 13th. It was the day you completed me and our family.