Late. Running late. Good intentions haven’t made me early yet. Missed voicemails, unreturned phone calls, forgotten play dates, overdue library books and uncooked family dinners. Missed field trips due to work obligations, forgotten lunch boxes at home. Leftovers. Chicken. Leftovers. Chicken a-la-whatsinthepantry, again. Laundry pile building, tempers toppling. Rushed bedtimes with no story, hurried breakfast in the car, overbooked day planner and under used devotional.
A day in the life of “the struggle is real - Girl, you better pray!". I’ve noticed that not feeling like I’m “enough” is not an isolated struggle. Many of those around me are feeling the same way. And, I don’t, for a minute, believe it’s a feeling meant for us. For me, I believe it’s Satan’s backdoor to my confidence. Since He cannot take my calling, He tries to derail my confidence. He distracts me just enough… to the point of the people pleasing carousel. Round and round I go. Short drive home from car rider pick up with car pool kiddos. Lost in thought, no room in mind to entertain conversations from car riders today.
Am I being an intentional mom? Maybe I should do it like she does.
Am I a good wife? Um, shoot.
Am I being a good teacher? Remembrance of room full of Mama's volunteering their time today to paint scarecrows out of preschoolers feet. Suddenly realizing that I had put on their proverbial plates the expectation of "showing up" even when their schedules were full. I then sent said t-shirts home in the wrong book bag. The right book bag looked identical to the wrong book bag. Embarrassing conversation with parent (thankfully a friend) why the t-shirts were missing and trying to figure out whose book bag they went home in. Even more embarrassing phone call to confused parent (in a different grade...long story) who received the t-shirts. Fail. Whomp, whomp.
Am I being a good friend? I missed the birthday party, the girls night out, the baby shower...
Have I been to the gym today? Not today, not yesterday, not last week….or the week before. Darn it.
Did I send the birthday gift? The birthday that was in August. That was for my nephew. Crap. I'm a bad Aunt. No.
And on and on and on.
While I drove home today with a car full of laughter, noise and conversation behind me, my soul was quiet enough to listen. Listen to yourself, Jenny. Girl, get it together. Ok. So everyone is fed and clothed. Win. Everyone made it to school, on time, with lunch boxes and folders, today. Win.
Recently though, I find myself being humbled over and over by the inability to juggle so much. Then, I fail to extend grace to myself as I watch the bouncing balls drop. Today in the case of the missing class t-shirts, I felt so overcome by the fact that I couldn't juggle it all well. After explaining to the parents who were involved, I felt so embarrassed. What must they think of me? Driving home, I started praying, God, maybe that was it just it, maybe...again...I've become so concerned with what others think of me, that I've lost sight of His expectation of me. Maybe, I've said "yes" to the expectations of the world so much so that my hands are full, fulfilling the idol of others, that my heart can't hold Pleasing Others AND His will for my life so, I've now resorted to juggling what I'm called to do with what I think I should do.
I know I'm not alone. I know so many over scheduled, under rested Mamas who just don't feel like they are enough. After praying about it this afternoon, I found peace in knowing that how I feel isn't congruent with who I am. I feel insufficient. But, my God is enough. His grace washes over me like the ocean waves time and time again. While checking backpacks, and listening to the recaps of school days from my boys, I heard a knock on the door.
When I went to open it, there she was...the Mama, the friend, who I felt so embarrassed that she witnessed me dropping the ball, losing the t-shirts and sending her a reminder for a date that was wrong, for something important, when I thought her expectation of me was so much greater than I was able to do today. There she was. Card in tow. Present in hand. Humor to serve up a slice of grace with the lemons that I was juggling. A tangible expression of grace, through humor, answered my prayer. God, Am I enough? She came to tell me that she was thankful I was her child's teacher on the very same day that, in my eyes, I had failed some pretty simple tasks.
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Sometimes, we just need to not take ourselves so seriously. Sometimes, we just need to receive the grace that we are given. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded that even when we feel like we are not enough, His grace is sufficient. His measure of me is not by me being enough, it is by me being His. He whispers to me in the midst of my striving, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9. Look out world, based on the past several days, it is clear, He is at work in me. My weakness, His strength.
Through His eyes, I look pretty good. Short comings and all, He calls me His. So, I say, I'm with Him. You know, the Creator of the Universe. He thinks I'm enough..so maybe I should start to trust that. Maybe, "No" is the new "Yes". Saying "No" to perceived expectations that I assign myself of what others need from me is saying, "Yes" to being all it is that God has created me to be. Insufficiently, sufficient for the Creator of the universe, my Master, to mold me into what He chooses to make of me....and He can do the same for you.
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